Florida, Oddly Enough

Experiencing the relief that comes from accomplishing a daunting task, I can sum it up with a single utterance, ahhh. I have had the most relaxing weekend since mid-January. In January, I realized I had three months to make important professional things…happen. I got an email that detailed ways in which I had been a dumbass. I believe I may have already explained the ins and outs of all that, and I’d rather not again… so, fast forward to today and my first weekend without the crushing load.  I am here, fully rested, creeping out from under the stress. Just sticking my head out…just peeking around…And it’s dawning on me that, (and not for the first time; I have chalked up days and days of this understanding in my lifetime) oh, no… this, THIS, is how I do life. I start something, I think I’ve got the directions straight, and then realize there was a vital piece of information I missed. So, I have to now go all out to fix my mistake. I’m often finding myself there in the proverbial pot, with a crushing load of ingredients, duties and timelines, to meet. I’m in this cauldron again, yet again, making shit happen. That’s what I do, or have done, all my life. I hope I’m winding out of this pattern, it’s getting exhausting at my age. But, a benefit of age, one of them at least, is figuring this kind of stuff out. Maybe, MAYBE, in time to cut yourself some slack and make a switch, so you can have a few years practicing some new gig before the final curtain falls.

I expect, or hope, that when we die, we get to see all the hilarious ways we jacked ourselves up in life to get through it. That we’ll get to laugh and cry over our troublesome unseen patterns and finally enjoy being able to say, now, I get it! We deserve at least that much.

Thank goodness for friends and loved ones when we find ourselves in these situations. People that can help us stay focused and somewhat sane. I have people who help me, just by being calm and doing their own thing. It’s hard for me to tell people when I need help, because I don’t want to have someone jump in and start telling me what to do. That stresses me out even more. In the midst of setting my own course, it’s too stressful to weigh the pros and cons of someone else’s approach, much less possibly having to tell them you don’t want to do it that way. Some people may want someone else to just give them a plan of action. In times of stress and confusion, I notice and gravitate toward the peaceful solid type of person that offers me acceptance and space. The person who, even without words, or with few words, lets you know your version of crazy is acceptable, and they are quite happy to walk beside you for a while. Someone who’ll just circle the edges of that cauldron with you for a bit, before you have to jump back in.

I’m reveling in the profound feeling of relief.

~Dorothy Dolores